


Because I’m Tony Motherfucking Stark

by MysticMedusa



Series: 5+1 [9]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Evil Cupcakes, Mpreg, Multi, Tony Stark Is a Good Bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2019-01-05 07:02:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12185226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticMedusa/pseuds/MysticMedusa
Summary: Stripping, Hydra on fire, Random Deadpool and Loki appearances, and everyone ends up pregnant, you know the usual stuff that happens when you live with Tony Stark





	Because I’m Tony Motherfucking Stark

 

1

 

Tony Stark was a known playboy, a genius, and a hero. He was also known to do a lot of ridiculous things with the only reasoning of ‘Because I’m Tony Motherfucking Stark’ which the avengers have all told him this isn’t a valid reason. So far he has yet to listen to their protests and continues to use the excuse. One such example was when Steve finally found his long lost best friend Bucky Barnes who was to be monitored before he could even be considered to join the avengers. It wasn’t too difficult to keep him in the tower when the man didn’t bother to even leave the room he shared with Steve. Tony had seen the skittish assassin maybe once since his arrival at the tower two months before and if there was anything the genius didn’t like was being ignored.

Steve the protective force of patriotism hadn’t let Tony anywhere near the room thinking the genius only wanted to check out the metal arm Hydra had equipped the man with. Normally Tony would agree with that statement if not for the fact he’d seen the soldier’s abs. The arm was the furthest thing from his mind when you had abs like that. So the genius took the chance to talk to the shy frightened shadow of a man while Steve was busy with a mission.

“Hey there handsome, how about we get a bunch of strippers in here and party like its 1999?”

Bucky stared at him confused and uneasy.

“I’m not safe to be around.”

“For strippers? Well fine, I could strip for you though. Got enough singles to keep me dancing sexy?”

Bucky paused his hand on the door before he opened it further. Tony grinned knowing he had the assassin interested. When Steve returned home early with Natasha and Clint with him he asked JARVIS if Bucky was alright.

“Other than the massive boner he has I would say Sargent Barnes is doing quite well.”

Steve and the two super spies froze in place.

“What? Why are you commenting on…that?”

“JARVIS, where is Barnes?” Natasha asked at the same time as Steve spoke.

“Sargent Barnes is currently in the gym with Sir, I would advise against going there if you intend to interrupt Sir’s performance.”

The three rushed back into the elevator and arrived at the gym in record time. When they entered the gym they saw a stripper pole there and Tony Stark was hanging upside down on it wearing only a lace red thong. It was an impressive sight and the genius wasn’t done yet as he kept moving in time with the music. Bucky was sitting there smiling in a way he hadn’t done since the 40s and showering the talented dancer with singles though for the life of him Steve couldn’t say where Bucky got them from.

“How the fuck do you know how to strip?” Clint asked using his bow to try and cover his hard on.

Tony was done with his dance for that song and grinned at the three.

“Because I’m Tony Motherfucking Stark.”

Before Steve could comment on his language a new song started up and this time Tony decided his dancing was done better in Bucky’s lap. Steve honestly couldn’t even be angry about Tony’s antics especially after Bucky no longer hid away in his room after that. Of course he kind of wished seeing Tony strip and do lap dances wasn’t a common thing afterwards…mostly because Steve had been pretty sure he was straight until he started getting confused boners at the sight.

 

~

 

2

 

The media claimed Hulk was a problem, Shield claimed Hulk was a problem, hell Ross never shut up about Hulk being a problem. With so many people spewing Hulk hate Bruce was withdrawing into himself more and more to the point Steve had called a meeting for the avengers to try and figure out how to make the world see the Hulk the way they did. Steve knew the entire team trusted Hulk with their lives. No one could really offer up any suggestions and much to Steve’s dismay Tony walked out of the meeting the moment he heard the subject they were discussing.

He would have yelled at the genius but he seemingly disappeared after that meeting. A few weeks later there was a charity event that Pepper roped all the avengers into going to. No one had seen Tony but when he arrived he was shockingly accompanied by a tux wearing Hulk. The entire event full of people stopped staring shocked at the normally rage filled green giant.

“Hey tall dark and handsome, I got you these.” Tony said holding out a giant bouquet of roses.

Hulk took them and smiled.

“Hulk like flowers but Hulk can’t dance while holding them.”

“You’re right buddy, why don’t you give them to a lovely lady here and then you and I can dance and show these guys how its done.”

Hulk looked around and gave the roses to a woman Tony knew was a reporter who rarely said anything nice about the avengers, especially Hulk.

“Pretty flowers for the pretty lady.” Hulk said gently handing over the roses which she took as she stared frozen in shock.

Hulk walked over to Tony and offered his arm. The two danced (well Hulk danced while holding Tony) across the dancefloor. He even moved with the music like he’d been trained to dance by a professional. Unable to stop himself Steve walked over asking to dance next. Hulk accepted him as a dance partner while Natasha stole Tony away to no doubt quietly thank him for what he’d done. By the end of the night half the women were in love with Hulk and people were fighting over the chance to dance with the surprisingly gentle dancer. Hell even Thor was pushing for a chance to dance with Hulk which had some of the avengers tense knowing that Hulk and Thor liked to smash each other during missions even though they were allies.

When Clint asked Tony later how he’d managed to not only get a tux made for Hulk but get him to dance and be reasonably gentlemanly he shouldn’t have been surprised when he got the answer ‘Because I’m Tony Motherfucking Stark’

 

~

 

3

 

“Why is everything on fire?” Coulson asked when he arrived with the avengers at the Hydra base where they had determined the agents had taken Tony when they kidnapped him.

“Well you see what had happened was-”

He was interrupted by another explosion going off and a half burnt corpse landing from the base in front of them.

“Ok that guy was dead when I got here, totally not my fault.”

Tony may or may not be friends with Deadpool, he’ll never tell.

“Stark.”

“What, they kidnapped me so I blew them up. Sounded like a fair trade to me.”

Another explosion and Hydra agents were running away from the burning building. Natasha and Bucky were ready to go after them when each of the agents running blew up to.

“What the fuck, how the hell did you manage that?” Sam asked.

Tony rolled his eyes already knowing how to end this line of questioning.

“Because I’m-”

“If you say ‘Because I’m Tony Motherfucking Stark’ I will kill you.” Coulson threatened.

“Don’t kill him, he strips for me.” Bucky protested.

“Yes, friend Tony has quite the talent for removing his clothing and giving us great pleasure. Do not attempt to harm him or you shall face my wrath.” Thor agreed having enjoyed quite a few dances that had ended up with very loud activates afterwards, everyone (yes even Natasha) had joined in the after activates at one point or another. Why you might ask, because Tony had a talented mouth that was good for more than just talking. If anyone asked the avengers about this they’d just admit to having a way to keep Tony quiet for once.

“Fine, I won’t ask anymore questions.” Coulson sighed.

“Good because I’m horny.”

Everyone looked at him.

“What? Nothing gets the blood pumping like fire and blowing things up. So who wants to fuck me six ways to Sunday?”

The answer was everyone because you don’t just blow up a Hydra base and escape on your own without arousing every one of the avengers.

 

~

 

4

 

The avengers were all panicking as Tony had been kidnapped again but this time he had been taken by aliens that Thor didn’t know their origins. They had no idea how to even begin looking for him. Thor had requested Hiemdal’s help in finding him and after a few months of looking the guardian had found Tony’s location and allowed the avengers the use of the bi-frost to go to him. The group went prepared for a fight and instead found Tony sitting upon a throne wearing a crown and had people bowing before him.

“Hey guys, I became a king.”

Steve, Bucky, Clint, and even Thor face palmed. Natasha simply walked over and picked up the genius telling the alien race she was taking him home. Several argued with her and she simply told them in her most frightening black widow voice ‘fight me’ to which no one dared to. Tony pouted the entire way back but at least he got to keep the crown. The group didn’t even bother asking how he became their king; they knew what answer he’d give.

 

~

 

5

 

“Tony no, we talked about this. You can’t have insane killers in the tower.”

Tony lifted his head from the counter where he’d been either needing the dough with his face or deciding to end it all by suffocating on it. He blinked confused through his exhaustion before he looked to see Deadpool making desserts with Sabretooth of all people.

“Hey Wade, hi killer kitty.”

Sabretooth snarled at him but was too busy putting the finishing touches on some cupcakes to care.

“They’re fine Cap, just making desserts.”

“Evil desserts, you don’t know these guys Tony. They’re evil.” Clint said falling out of the vents ready to defend the tower and his team.

“Evil cupcakes? Slander! There’s no such thing.”

“If they’re evil I’m the fucking pope.” Deadpool agreed then added, “Well I could be the pope. I’d have to kill the current one. Hey Iron Dude, you want to go kill the pope with me so I can take his position?”

“I don’t know I’m kind of tired.”

“Well you can sleep on the way.”

“That’s true, maybe if these cupcakes do turn out to be evil but I doubt that could happen.”

“Has Tony finally become a villain?” Bucky asked as he and Sam walked in to see the odd scene.

“No, why would you think I’m turning into a villain?”

“You have the super villain goatee already.” Bucky said.

“But nothing says evil like petting a cat so he’s not quite there yet.” Sam added.

Sabretooth didn’t like the new people arriving so he growled at them. Tony petting him to calm him down which had Steve throwing his hands into the air.

“Clearly he’s gone darkside, we’re all doomed.”

“Well with Tony as our evil overlord we better get use to tiny miniskirts and strippers available for everyone.” Bucky said knowing the perverted things Tony could and would do.

“Hey, why tiny miniskirts? Required nudity for all sexy people, get naked now.”

Deadpool didn’t need to be told twice, he just ripped off his clothing. Natasha and Bruce walked in and only the promise of evil cupcakes made them stay when everyone but Sabretooth was gathered there naked. They weren’t even surprised when there were letters on the cupcakes spelling out ‘Because I’m Tony Motherfucking Stark’

 

~

 

+1

 

It had started with a seemingly innocent question. That was their first mistake.

“How do you keeping being named one of the sexiest men in the world?” Clint asked as he read a magazine.

Tony paused with a bite of ice cream half way to his mouth.

“Don’t underestimate my sexiness. I’m so sexy I could get an entire room full of people pregnant just by walking in.”

The avengers were all gathered, hell even Fury was there because Coulson was elsewhere on a mission and wasn’t able to be there like he’d normally be. They all scoffed or told him he was delusional. Tony offended had walked out and only came back realizing he’d forgotten his ice cream. That had been weeks ago and for some reason the avengers except Tony were suffering sickness. Tony was happily eating a cheeseburger while Fury tried to find out what they had all done or where they had gone that Tony hadn’t that would cause them to be sick.

“Ugh, I’m going to hulk out if this continues.” Bruce honest to god whined.

“Why do we have to suffer like this?” Clint said from where he was leaning over the side of the couch with a trashcan waiting for any possible future spells of vomiting.

“I blame Tony.” Sam said where he was resting on Steve who hadn’t gotten sick since before the serum.

“My friends, perhaps we should see if the test results are back.” Thor said from where he was collapsed face first on the floor having never once in his godly life gotten sick.

“Sir, I have the test results back. Might I say you should probably not jinx the avengers and Director Fury again?”

They all looked up before glaring at Tony.

“When did you jinx us?” Natasha asked with a face that promised murder.

“I believe congratulations are in order. You’re all pregnant.” The AI answered when Tony had no answer for them.

“How the fuck?!” Clint exclaimed.

Tony opened his mouth for the usual response when Loki teleported into the tower holding Deadpool by the collar of his uniform.

“How do I dispose of this annoyance?” The god growled while Sam exclaimed, “Oh god no!”

A month later it was confirmed Loki and Deadpool were pregnant. A month after that Steve was attempting to convince Pepper it would be irresponsible not to hold a press conference to inform the public either Loki or Deadpool would be giving birth to the Anti-Christ. A year later Tony had a horde of children and the words ‘Because I’m Tony Motherfucking Stark’ went down in history as one of the most famous sayings in the world. Mostly because he’d done the impossible and his horde of children were frighteningly powerful, sneaky, or intelligent. Clint had bets on Loki’s, Natasha’s, or Deadpool’s kid taking over the world. Decades later it was Steve’s kid who ruled the world but not because he was a super villain, no he had the most powerful puppy dog eyes of doom that even Odin had nearly surrendered his throne to him. It was only because Thor’s kid had even more powerful puppy dog eyes that she got the throne of Asgard. Tony just laughed when the adorable child of him and Captain America looked to the world and said ‘Please let me rule you’ and was made supreme earth overlord.


End file.
